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four ways to communicate more effectively about sex with your partner(s)


Whether you’re hooking up with a new partner for the first time, inviting someone new into a pre-existing sexual relationship, or you’ve been monogamous with the same partner for years, communicating about sex is vital. However, understanding the importance of communicating about sex and actually doing it can sometimes be where the challenge lies. The following are just a few ways to help overcome that hurdle. 

  1. Talk about sex before you even have sex- A friend recently described to me an intensely pleasurable sexual experience she had with a new partner. When I asked about what made it so pleasurable, she expressed that she and her partner had texted in detail about what types of things they each found stimulating and pleasurable. When her partner arrived, my friend was already prepped with toys and ideas that were exciting and arousing to this new partner and vice versa. 

  2. Yes/No/Maybe- One of my favorite tools to recommend is this downloadable chart from the Pleasure Chest. This chart lists many common sex acts that you can then categorize into three different responses- yes, no or maybe. I recommend that you and your partner(s) fill this out separately and then reconvene to see what things overlap in your yes columns, what things fall in your partner’s “no” column and what circumstances might turn a “maybe” into a “yes” or a “no.” -

  3. Watch for non-verbal’s - I was recently at a workshop being presented by one of my favorite sex educators, Midori. She expressed the importance of asking your partner(s) what it looks like and what it sounds like when things are feeling good - and conversely what it looks like, and what it sounds like when things are feeling just kind of “meh”. Just as It was mentioned in the first tip, talking about sex before even having sex is crucial, but once you’ve had that conversation it’s time to look for those nonverbal signals while you’re in the act as well. Checking in with your partner(s) from time to time, paying attention to breathing, body movements, and facial expressions is important to better attune to your partner during sexual intimacy. Likewise, attune to your own somatic sensations and see how they and/or specific acts feel for your body. It is through that awareness that more communication can be shared and increase intimacy.

  4. Talk after sex - This doesn’t have to happen as soon as you’re done. Just sometime after your most recent sexcapade, bring up some of the things that your partner(s) did that you really enjoyed. “The other night, it was really hot when you __________” , then make sure to ask your partner(s) what they enjoyed too - and if there’s anything different or new they would like to try next time. Taking the time to check in and opening up the conversation not only provides clarity, but heightens the degree of intimacy in the relationship as well. You get to show genuine consideration and provide a safe comfortable space for you and your partner(s) to explore and grow.

If you or your partner(s) are having challenges with communicating about sex, please be sure to check out my new therapy group “Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!”

August 8, 2019

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