Why teach children about feelings?
Feelings are what make us human! We all have them. We all experience them. There are no “good or bad” feelings, rather “good” or “bad” responses to them.
It is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to hit people, while we feel upset. And here is where the teaching lies. What do we expect kids to do when they feel mad? What is the “appropriate” response to angry feeling? What self-regulating and calming strategies are we teaching our kids?
So often, we shut our children’s emotions by dismissing their feelings: “stop crying”, “quit doing this”, or “you have no reason to be upset”, which only triggers the kids even more and is not teaching them anything.
Here is your guide on how to start talking about feelings.
I like to think of feelings as messages carrying something important for us to notice.
1. Notice how and where in your body do you feel your feelings
TIP: use mirror for children to see their faces when acting specific feelings
2. Name your feelings
TIP: with young children teach only 4 emotions to avoid confusion (angry, sad, scared, happy) and talk about what situations trigger which feelings.
3. Teach how to calm down
TIP: breathing is the best way to self-regulation, but there are many other ways to relax: listening to music, drawings, go for walk, alone time, get a hug, use playdough, etc.
IMPORTANT: All the teaching must be done when the children are calm and relaxed! And when they are triggered and dysregulated, you can calmly remind them of the ways that can help their bodies to calm down.
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How to save the day: effective responding to temper tantrums
Temper tantrums, outbursts and meltdowns are known to be part of the typical child’s development. If your preschooler is throwing a fit about lost toy, clean up or not wanting to leave the park, it is exactly what he/she is expected to do. Early childhood, and especially the first 5 years are all about self-regulation. That’s their job. Learn how to manage big emotions and push the boundaries. And it is our job to teach them how to cope with those strong feelings and hold the boundaries firm when it is important. And this is how you do it:
1. Keep calm! Before you even respond to your crying or defying child, you have to calm yourself down first. Emotions are contagious. Your anger or frustration will escalate your child, while your calmness will help your child to relax.
TIP: Try deep belly breaths, count to 10 or ground yourself by using your senses
2. Try to catch your child before going into full blown tantrum! Be proactive. This is still the time when you can reason with your child. You can give them reminders, set up expectations, give choices or redirect them, try to make it fun.
TIP: Creating routine and setting rules and boundaries are proactive strategies decreasing temper tantrums
3. So what to do when your child is just not having it, and is now lying on the ground with fists banging the floor and scream piercing your ears?
· DO NOT try to educate or reason with your child when tantruming. They are not hearing you, as they are currently in their emotional brain.
· You have to wait for them to calm down! You can assist them to calm down by modeling deep breathing (breath loudly yourself). You can also offer ways to relax, which always have to be taught when calm, such as drink water, breath, lay down, listen to music, etc. (Each child is unique so find what works for yours). This teaching can be done during play time or as a part of night time routine.
· Validate child’s feelings and ignore the tantrum:
“You look angry. You did not want to clean up. You wanted to keep playing. That must be hard. I see that you are having hard time to calm down now. I will wait for you and I am ready whenever you are” With something along those lines, you will now ignore your child’s tantrum (no eye contact, no talking, no touching) This ignoring technique will send the message that you are simply not giving your child attention for inappropriate behaviors.
· When your child calms down, you will reconnect with them, praise them for calming down and follow through with the task, which caused the tantrum in the first place, such as clean up, or whatever it might be.
TIP: Make sure your child is well fed and got enough sleep, because that would make anyone crankyJ
· Consistency is key! Know that if you are trying new parenting strategy, it gets worse before it gets better, as your child will push boundaries to see how serious and consistent you are.
Kind note at the end: Sometimes, there is just nothing that will work, and nothing you can do. Let your child have his/her moment and be kind to yourself. We are all trying the best we can.
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the Three Best Parenting Tips
Parenting might come naturally for some. But, we all know that having babies do not come with a manual (don’t you wish it did!), which leaves parenting skills to be acquired through the trial and error. And while there is nothing wrong with learning as you go, a little support can go a long way. As an Attachment and Reflective Parenting Specialist, time and time again, I’ve been asked what the best tips and suggestion are to help become a more effective parent to a baby.
1. Let’s play!
If you are not already playing with your child, you might want to begin NOW. It is never too late and it doesn’t have to be long. All it takes is 5-15 minutes of undivided attention. If you can squeeze in more minutes, it only gets better! Now, the way you play can be a bit tricky…so tune up and read carefully! Put your phone or tablet away, turn off the TV. Get down on the floor and get the toys out. Engage in your child’s favorite activity and follow theirlead. Do not try to teach or correct them! The goal of playing is to bond, to connect, and to build a stronger relationship. Focus on the process rather the outcome. Be in the moment and simply have fun! Don’t be alarmed if it’s tough at first, especially since it’s been a long time since you played as well. However, through routine practice, you will find that it may be a relaxing activity for you too!
Reasoning: For young children play is their work. It is through play they learn and develop physical, cognitive and socio-emotional skills. Yet, the most important outcome of parents engaging in play is the forming a healthy bond with their child. The more you play with your kids, the more positive attention they get, which reduces the frequency of temper tantrums, defiance and power-struggles.
TIP: Try not to be too intrusive during the play. Do not ask too many questions; instead focus on describing, reflecting and joining in your child’s imaginative world. You will discover just how rich their little world is!
2. Find your groove!
I cannot stress enough the importance of routine! Parents trust me and hear me out loud and clear; routine is the magic word. It is your best friend and saving grace if you want to create safety and structure for your little one. There are different types and ways of doing routine. You can have a daily routine, bedtime routine, morning routine, etc… What you choose is up to you and your partner. Ultimately, what the routines consist of is performing the same activities, in the same order at the same time. A great example of a bedtime routine would be:
· Have them go potty
· Give your little one a bath
· Help them brush their teeth
· Help them put on their pajamas and cozy up in bed
· Read them a bedtime story
· Give them a bunch of kisses
· Turn of the light and leave the room
Rationale: Routine provides structure and a predictable environment not only for your child, but also for you, the parent(s). By maintaining consistent schedule, your child can anticipate what is going to happen next. This will reduce the potential anxiety of the unknown, and thus avoid meltdowns and tantrums.
TIP: For your Pinterest-ing pleasure, check out the lists of routines already created for little ones! You can also involve the older kids in creating their own routines, since working collaboratively can also motivate and incentives them.
3. Take care of yourself!
Raising children requires a substantial amount of physical and emotional energy, which you need to replenish on regular basis. You can make use of the routine, and fit in the “mommy time” or “daddy time” when your kids are playing, taking nap, or watching TV. Consistency is the key word here! Be proactive, let go of guilt, and find 10-15 minutes for yourself on daily basis. Only by creating space and joy for yourself, will you create the energy to be a present parent and enjoy the process of parenting.
Rationale: You cannot take care of others, unless you take care of yourself! It’s as simple as that.
TIP: Self-care can look like: coffee break, reading book, exercise, or simply laying down and relaxing.